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Sailor Moon vs The Zombies-part 1

by Andrew Findlay (Age: 46)
copyright 06-12-2005


Age Rating: 10 +
Sailor Moon vs The Zombies-part 1


"Run Amy! Run faster!" screamed Raye as the van's tires screeched and it began to accelerate. Lita was driving and Raye was crouched in the back with the doors open and her hand extended towards poor Amy who was trying to catch up.
"I'm running as fast as I can," Amy panted. She gave a quick look behind her and quickened her pace as she noticed that the brain eating zombies seemed to be particulary interested in her.
The moist night air was filled with the screams of the zombies and the sounds of chaos all over the city. The full moon in the sky seemed to shimmer with an unnatural brilliance.
Raye turned towards Lita. "Slow down, we're losing her!" she yelled. Lita ignored her cries and really stepped on the gas.
"Sorry Amy," Lita whispered under her visible breath. With one hand she nursed a zombie bite mark on her arm. She was terrified out of her mind and nothing was going to make her stop the van.
"Raye! Help me!" Amy shrieked as she tripped and the zombies surrounded her.

TEN MINUTES EARLIER...
Serena had just baked a bunch of her famous burned cookies and she was handing them out to the rest of her crew. Her eyes lit up as Raye and Amy each picked one up off of the tray and placed them in their mouths.
Raye instantly spit out the cookie and it flew all over the kitchen wall.
Amy forced herself to swallow it and then when she realized what she had done, she began to cry softly, hoping Serena wouldn't notice.
Raye washed her mouth out with water. "That's terrible Serena. Your worse batch yet!"
Amy's tears continued down her face as the cookie's flavor remained in her mouth. The taste reminded her of something between a month old donut and toxic waste.
Serena looked somewhat disappointed. "Hmph!" she muttered bitterly. "At least you don't have zombies chasing after you to eat your brains. You should be thankful."
Lita suddenly came running inside the house."I hate to interrupt your cookie eating," she said, knowing full well that Amy and Raye would be grateful for the distraction. "But zombies are attacking outside!"
"They better not try to get any of my cookies," Serena said and she carefully put her precious cookies into a plastic container.
Just then, zombies broke into the house. One of them bit Lita in the arm and she kicked it into the wall."We have to get out of here!" she screamed.
Lita ran out of the house followed by Raye. Then Amy ran outside leaving poor Serena in the kitchen with dozens of hungry zombies.
"Oh no," she whimpered. "Now I'm going to be eaten by zombies...it's just not fair..."
Surprizingly, the zombies sniffed around her head and got insulted looks on their twisted faces. "Brains!" screamed the leader. "We want brains!"
The sound of tires screeching outside drew their attention and they ran outside towards the accelerating van.
Serena calmed down and collapsed to the floor.She was so nervous she ate one of her own cookies and instantly became violently ill at the vileness of her baking. "Raye was right," she said. "These really aren't very good."






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        01-29-2008     Alexandra Spencer        

I think that was totally AWSOME your story totally rocks, I love it. I cannot wait till I read the part.

I am so going to add you to my faves.
Talk you soon. :)

        03-22-2006     Jen Bry        

I think it's really funny, but it does need to be emphasized on a bit. Where did the zombies come from? What happened to the rest of the scouts? I'd give this story about a 3, 3 1/2.

        07-26-2005     Mike Macdonald        

I have mixed feelings about this work. I tried to be as brief as possible. Which is the sad part.

The good thing about this is it's a really funny idea. The opening bit is the best part of it all; the characters take themselves and their situation completely seriously, even though the premise is completely ridiculous. It creates a genuinely silly situation without calling attention to the fact that it's unlikely and bizarre. That's good comedy writing.

I actually laughed out loud at the part where they taste test the cookies. Unfortunately, this is where the story starts to lose control. All of a sudden the work becomes a really bad comedian who finally managed to crack a good joke, and gets overconfident and tries to follow up with another and another that just don't work nearly as well, and the audience isn't laughing anymore before he's finished. It's easy to get the giggles if you're working with a humorous idea, but the important thing to remember is when to pull on the reigns and say "Alright, this is just getting silly."

Bottom line, this piece needs to be expanded on a little, and revised quite a bit, before you take it any further. But it's got a profound amount of potential that says I HAVE to give it at least a two. Take a deep breath, look it over again, and see what kind of gem you can make it into.



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