Sailor Perfect - A Mary-Sue Parody
Age Rating: 13 +
After a very long lay-off, the fanfiction bug has bitten me once again. I’d almost forgotten what fun writing just for the joy of it can be. Many and gracious thanks go out to my editor, Donnar-l, for the gift of her award winning skills in the ongoing effort to keep me from making a total fool of myself in public. “Sailor Perfect – A Mary-Sue Story”
For those who don’t know, “Mary-Sue” was originally created by an author (whose name has long been forgotten) for a Star Trek fanfic about 20 years ago in what most people agree is the worst story that genre has ever produced. Mary-Sue was instantly everyone’s best friend, did everything better than anyone else and died a heroic death that was mourned all over the Federation. While the fic itself has mercifully disappeared from sight, the name “Mary-Sue” endures as a testament of what not to do when creating a new character.
Please feel free to email me about this or any other of my stories. All mail is answered, even flames.
Oh, and yes, MCDBA really does stand for “Microsoft Certified Data Base Administrator.” I’ve been told that the other acronym for MCDBA is valid, too.
Standard Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or the attendant characters to which valid copy-right laws apply. I am a very small fish in a very small pond. So for the love of God, please don’t sue me!
It was a dark and stormy night.
In fact, it was a really, really dark and stormy night. The kind of dark and stormy night that people with any kind of sense would have stayed out of. That did not, however, include the young woman with small, delicate cat ears that peeked out of her ebony hair.
She stood on the roof of the tallest building in Tokyo, ignoring the gale force winds that lashed at her lithe body. Using her tail for balance, the girl leapt up to stand on the thin, metal railing that surrounded the rooftop deck.
“Yes,” the inky minion of darkness hissed with satisfaction, “Oh yes Princess, you’re here. I can feel your power. Did you really think that you could hide from my Master on this insignificant planet?”
Giving a peal of insane laughter, the cat-girl opened her arms wide. “Nothing will stop me from letting my Master, the great Prince Anthracite, know that you’re here - nothing!”
A metal railing is not the best place to be standing during an oncoming thunderstorm and the cat-girl soon found out why.
A single bolt of lightning struck the railing, the full electrical charge associated with it slamming into her body. For a brief instant every hair on her body stood upright before she was shot across the roof and into the steel reinforced door that led inside.
The smell of singed hair laced the air as the wide eyed minion of evil simply sat there, stunned. After a long moment the cat creature lifted a hand and peered at it closely.
“Wow! I have claws,” whispered the feline in a drunken voice. Prompted by some inner instinct she glanced towards her singed derrière and made yet another happy discovery. “And I have a tail, too! Sweet!”
The sky chose that moment to open up as if God had turned on the shower. The downpour quickly soaked the feline’s still smoking hair. The addled cat-girl had no idea why she was there and, frankly, didn’t care about anything other than getting out of the rain. With a feline yowl of displeasure she yanked the door open and disappeared into the building, her mission forgotten, her brain scrambled by the high-wattage accident.
The great Prince Anthracite, it seemed, was going to have to wait a little longer for his information.
a twisted Sailor Moon tale in one unnatural act
While it was true that Tsukino Usagi was not the best student in the senior class of Juban High School, she wasn’t the worst; at least not anymore. After years of lectures from her parents, friends and Mamoru, all it had taken for Usagi to see the educational light was to spend summer vacation of her freshman year toiling away at the “Burger Barn.”
The joys of working the drive-thru window, hauling ten pound plastic buckets filled with pickles and the occasional bout with the fry-o-lator was a revelation for Usagi. Unless the future Neo-Queen wanted to ask, “do you want fries with that order” until the rise of Crystal Tokyo, she needed to get into college.
Still, it wasn’t always easy for Usagi to stay focused on that goal. The early morning sun came through the classroom window and warmed her so nicely that all she really wanted to do was close her eyes and take a nap. The sharp rapping of a ruler on a desk quickly snapped Usagi back to the here and now. She stifled a yawn and turned her attention to the teacher.
“Students, we have a new addition to the senior class. She’s an exchange student from the United States and I would like you all to make her feel welcome.”
The door to the classroom opened. A shaft of golden sunlight provided a natural spot-light as a young woman walked into the classroom and Tsukino Usagi’s life.
She was petite and slender. Her ivory skin was flawless, a faint blush in her cheeks rising as she walked forward. Lifting her gaze, which had been demurely downcast, Usagi saw that she had stunning, violet eyes. Golden hair fell in elegant waves to the middle of her back.
The Juban High School uniform looked as if it had been made just for her. From her tiny waist to her long, shapely legs and generous bust, the girl was everything that a teenager wanted to be and more. In other words, she was perfect.
Well, maybe not exactly perfect, Usagi thought as she noticed the foot long strip of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of the girl’s left shoe.
“Hello,” said the young woman, oblivious of her souvenir from her recent trip to the bathroom. Her grasp of Japanese was nothing short of amazing. There was only the faintest trace of an accent and even that wasn’t truly a flaw, since it only served to enhance the girl’s exotic allure.
Although her voice was melodic and soft, everyone could hear her easily. The young woman gave a sweet smile, her perfect, pearly white teeth gleaming in the morning light.
“My name is Mary-Sue and I just know that we’ll all be the very best of friends.
As Keeper of the Gate of Time, Meiou Setsuna was used to being able to divine things that most others could not. This was a source of pride for her, a perk in a job that had precious little of those to begin with. If there was any danger to the future called Crystal Tokyo, she was always the first to know about it.
Which is why Setsuna was so frustrated at the moment.
Something was wrong, that much was clear. Exactly what that “something” was continued to elude Setsuna. After two days of intense but fruitless meditation and soul searching, that mystery was beginning to tick her off.
In the safety of the Corridor of Eternity, Setsuna summoned the full power of the Time Gate. The great double doors, formed by her will alone, slowly opened. Only in the Corridor, a place outside the normal boundaries of time and space, could she safely do this kind of minute examination.
The currents of time, the subtle, and ever changing eddies that went from the past to the present and then to the future were clear and strong. If Crystal Tokyo wasn’t in danger then what was nagging at her so persistently, Setsuna wondered?
It was so small and so slight that she almost missed it. In a lonely, Godforsaken corner of the universe one of the closed taboo doors had been breached. No, she finally decided, breached was too strong a word. It was more like the taboo door had been set ajar.
But, Setsuna realized with growing dread, the door was open just enough to allow someone to slip through. It might not be an invasion, but whom or whatever did manage to get through could create havoc. The grim reality of her task was all too apparent. Setsuna had to try and find the one who had moved through the door and send them back where they belonged before they screwed everything up beyond repair.
It was days like this when Setsuna wondered by she didn’t get a less stressful job. The thought of going to Harvard, getting an MBA and becoming the Pretty Sailor Suited Soldier of Time Management was very appealing right about now.
With a long suffering sigh, Setsuna closed her Gate and left the Corridor of Eternity to begin her hunt. Ironically, if she had stayed there only a moment longer, her search would have been much easier.
From the breached taboo door came a burst of light as someone or something moved through it and into Tokyo.
It was a perfect day to have lunch outside. The sun was warm enough to chase away the chill of the early autumn afternoon and the scent of late flowers perfumed the air. Under the generous canopy of an old tree, sat four young women.
Four young women, not five.
And three of them were intent on keeping it that way.
Blonde hair lifting in the gentle breeze, the American exchange student, Mary-Sue, looked around. Her perfect violet eyes were carefully scanned the area intently, attempting to find what, or who, she was so doggedly searching.
“Oh God, please don’t let her see us.” From her hiding place behind the tree Minako closed her eyes tightly and hunched her shoulders in concentration. She began to mutter earnestly, “Oh please, please, please, please….”
Usagi spoke around the food in her mouth, “Minako-chan, Mary-Sue isn’t that bad. She’s just trying too hard to fit in.”
A loud sigh of relief came from Minako as the dreaded blonde exchange student moved off in another direction. “She tries too hard at everything, Usagi! That’s the problem. Mary-Sue has to do everything better than anyone else.”
“Or at least she thinks she knows better than anyone else,” Ami sighed. Her glasses had slipped halfway down her nose and only added to her air of annoyance. “My teacher spent the entire hour of my advanced physics class trying to convince her that you can’t solve pi. Everyone knows that it’s impossible but Mary-Sue kept on insisting that she could do it.”
Laying back in the cool, sweet grass Mako made a rude noise. “It gets better. Mary-Sue crashed my cooking club. The good news is that Sakai-sensei should recover. The bad news is that I can now speak from personal experience when I say that you can’t substitute baby-powder for flour. ”
“Come on, you guys. She means well,” Usagi said. “Think how hard it’s got to be for her. She’s away from home and all her friends. You guys really should give poor Mary-Sue a break.”
Minako grunted with annoyance. “I know that you like to try and see the good in everyone, Usagi-chan, but I’m telling you there is something really, really creepy about that girl. I bet Mary-Sue’s a new enemy who wants to take over the world.”
“The weird ones usually do,” Makoto gave a long suffering sigh.
“There you are!”
As one, the four girls turned their heads to see the bright, blindingly white, slightly feral smile of Mary-Sue. Taking precise and measured steps she quickly closed in on them, effectively ending any chance of a quiet lunch.
“Oh, Usagi-chan!” she squealed, throwing herself at Usagi and into a sitting position so hard that the two almost fell over. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere! I have something very important to tell you.”
“You’re going back to America?” Minako asked hopefully.
“Of course not, silly Minako-chan! I could never leave my best and dearest friends in the whole world. How would you ever get along without me?”
Usagi coughed, almost choking on the melon that she’d been swallowing when Mary-Sue had tackled her. “Why don’t you just tell us what’s troubling you,” she said, hoping that the girl would stop hugging her so hard.
Mary-Sue settled herself next to Usagi, the blue school uniform skirt falling in just right way to showcase her supple legs to their best advantage. “You are so good to me, dearest Usagi-chan. As you may have noticed, I’m…well, somewhat different than the other girls here at school.”
“I think we all know what you mean,” Ami said, taking off her glasses and putting them aside just in case Mary-Sue decided to tackle her as she had Usagi. Ami didn’t want to loose her glasses along with her dignity.
Mary-Sue clasped her hands to her heaving bosom. “There is so much you need to know but I can’t tell you now, not here. It’s just too much of a risk. Do you, perhaps, know of a place that is safe from the powers of darkness that infest your fair city like a boil on the buttocks of creation?
A wry smile came to Makoto’s face as she lay in the grass. While she didn’t quite believe that Mary-Sue was an enemy, there was indeed something very strange about the girl. There was one person Mako knew of who would be able to divine if the annoyingly perky exchange student was a menace, a youma or just a total pain in the ass - and be able to deal with either circumstance handily.
“I think I might know the perfect place. Are you familiar with the Hikawa Shrine?”
“Our Princess is in danger? Again?” Haruka asked, putting down her cup of coffee. “What kind of danger?”
With a sigh Setsuna took a deep sip of green tea. She loved this small café. It served the best tea in all of Tokyo and always had a decadent array of pastries to choose from. It also featured secluded booths, helping to keep private conversations just that; private.
“I’m not entirely sure but I do know one thing. This menace originates from outside of our solar system.”
Michiru was savoring the Crème Brule she’d chosen to go with her Café De-Orient coffee. “And that makes it the business of the Outer Senshi.”
Haruka blinked twice at the waitress who walked by. Maybe it was the shadows in this dimly lit restaurant, but she could have sworn that the girl (who wore a name tag that read - “Hi! I’m Kitty!) had cat’s ears under the hairnet she wore.
“You know our Neko-chan,” Haruka said, giving the waitress one more glance. “If there’s trouble, it usually manages to find her. Some things never change.”
“Such as your never-ending need to check out every attractive woman that crosses your path?” Michiru asked in an annoyed tone.
“I am not ‘checking’ her out, Michiru. There’s something odd about that waitress.” Haruka was clearly irritated. “And excuse me but aren’t you the one who was flirting with the UPS man this morning?”
Michiru shrugged her shoulders, “I was not ‘flirting.’ I was just admiring his well tailored brown shorts.”
As with most couples who had been together for a long time Haruka and Michiru had certain, long standing arguments that never truly ended. Setsuna sometimes wondered if the two kept rehashing this old issue just for the fun of making up. The much harried Soldier of Time began to gently rub her temples, feeling a migraine trying to start.
“Can you two get into that later, please? Our first duty is to protect our Princess. That means making sure that some energy sucking minion of evil or emotionally arrested and obsessive princeling doesn’t make off with her.”
“Of course, Setsuna,” Michiru conceded. A discrete gesture brought her talisman, the Deep Aqua Mirror, to her hand. “Hmmm, you’re right. There is a shadow falling across the path of the Princess, but just where it’s coming from is a mystery.”
Pluto nodded her head in agreement. “We need to find out where this evil and his dark agents are hiding. If we’re lucky we might be able to handle this trouble before the Princess becomes involved.”
“That task won’t be easy,” Michiru replied, still looking into her mirror. “Tokyo is a very large city. Where do we begin?”
Haruka’s chin was cupped in her hand, elbows carelessly propped up on the table. Her eyes followed the vaguely feline waitress who moved past their table once again. Haruka’s eyebrows suddenly shot up.
Peeking out from the bottom of the waitress’s uniform skirt was a tail.
Keeping her eyes firmly fixed on that tail, Haruka let a hand reach out and tap her lifemate on the shoulder. “I think I know a good place to start.”
Hino Rei knelt in the classic student position in front of the sacred fire that was the heart of the Hikawa Shrine. With the discipline and concentration honed over a lifetime by her grandfather’s teachings, Rei sought an answer to the questions that nagged at her so relentlessly.
“Well?” came Minako’s voice from in back of the Shinto Miko, “Do you have the answers we need?
Nag being the operative word, Rei grumbled to herself. “Nope. I guess the Kami wants us to handle this one on our own.”
“That can’t be right,” Minako blinked her eyes in surprise, ignoring the exasperated moans from Ami, Makoto and Usagi. “Do it again, Rei-chan. Maybe you just need to try harder. Don’t you have any of those sticks with the paper charms on them to swing around? Or how about the prayer fans I’ve seen you use. One of those would be good, too.”
Rei gave Minako a withering look before silently rising to go into her bedroom. She returned a moment later, carrying something small, round and black.
“Since you seem to think I need help, why don’t I use this handy, little, mystic tool?”
Kneeling in front of the flames once more, she closed her eyes, silent for only a moment.
“Oh wait, my bad. You’re right! There is a message coming through. The Kami says,” Rei paused for a heartbeat, then looking down at her hands shook the Magic 8-Ball between them, “…reply hazy, try again later.”
“Very funny,” Minako said.
“Minako-chan thinks that Mary-Sue may be a new enemy,” Ami said.
Nodding her agreement Usagi added in a dramatic tone, “Who wants to take over the world!”
“Like that’s never happened to us before,” Minako shot back at her friends. “Mary-Sue is a menace and we need to find out what’s really going on with that girl before she gets here.”
Rising Rei tucked her favorite toy into a corner then walked past the blonde. “You think this exchange student from America might be dangerous, so naturally you invite her to the Shrine?”
Minako quickly pointed at Makoto, “It was her idea.”
“Thank you so much, Mako-chan. The next time Godzilla shows up in Tokyo I’ll be sure to invite him to your place for tea.”
“Oh, don’t take it that way. If there’s a problem with Mary-Sue you’re the one who’d be able to sense it first, Rei-chan,” the tall brunette just shrugged her shoulders.
The sweet, earthy scent of sun warmed grass came with the breeze that greeted the four girls as they stepped out into the main court-yard of the Hikawa Shrine. Still annoyed and needing to do something to burn off her frustrations, Rei grabbed a broom and began to sweep the cobblestones.
“It’s just that we don’t need any more trouble at the Shrine right now. It’s not as if the insurance premiums on this place are cheap to begin with. One more claim for youma damage and they’ll go through the…the…” Rei’s voice trailed off as her sixth sense kicked in, “…roof?”
“Rei-chan, what’s wrong?” Usagi asked hesitantly as the young Miko’s head slowly but unerringly turned towards the steps that led to the street below.
It wasn’t a premonition of danger, Rei decided, her gaze still fixed on the stairs. The feeling was definitely weird, though, as if she was being forced to listen to fingernails being run very slowly down a blackboard.
Usagi, Minako, Ami and Makoto also turned their heads in the direction of the long steps that led from the street below to the heart of the Hikawa Shrine. The staccato tapping of shoes on stone stairs filled the air and slowly a blonde head became visible.
The afternoon light haloing her perfectly coifed golden hair, Mary-Sue finished her climb and paused at the top of the stairs. A gentle breeze ruffled her uniform skirt, allowing a glimpse of her well toned thighs. What Mary-Sue failed to notice was that she’d popped a button on her blouse, giving everyone a splendid view of her Maidenform bra each time the wind blew.
The perversely perky blonde was holding what appeared to be a cat carrier. She set the crate carefully down next to her. The carrier rocked from side to side while hissing and growling noises came from inside it.
Mary-Sue flashed a dazzlingly perfect, pearly smile at the five girls before her. “Thank you, all of you and especially you dear, dear Rei-chan, for being here to greet me. You cannot know how much this means to me.”
Rei gave the exchange student a polite but confused smile. As much as she hated to admit it, Rei knew that Minako was right. There was something deeply weird about this girl.
“Excuse me, but do I know you?”
“I know you, all of you, which is the important thing.” Ignoring the angry yowling from the boxed cat beside her, Mary-Sue folded her hands demurely in front of her. “You are the senshi of the inner planets. The ones charged with protecting the last Crown-Princess of the White Moon Kingdom, Silver Millennium.”
“And why would you think that?” Rei grumbled angrily, shooting a heated look at Minako.
“I didn’t tell her!” Minako threw her hands up in frustration.
“Now, now, Rei-chan, don’t be cranky,” Mary-Sue smiled. “Your secret is safe with me. I only remembered all of you when I was awakened. My true memories were at last unlocked from deep within my complex psyche by the one sent by Queen Serenity to guide me."
The five Soldiers of the Moon Kingdom watched with mute horror as Mary-Sue reached into the cat carrier and hauled out a howling and very unwilling Persian cat. The poor creature was quickly gathered into the girl’s hands and then thrust out at arm’s length.
“This is Fluffy, my guardian cat. Please forgive her rude behavior but she thinks of nothing else but keeping me safe. Now, now Fluffy, you don’t have to be so upset. I’m perfectly safe here, so there’s no need to disembowel anyone right now. These are my best friends and they love me, you silly kitty!” Mary-Sue chided the cat.
“I wouldn’t go quite that far,” Makoto mumbled, looking at the cat. There was a golden crescent moon made from what looked like nail polish on the poor beast’s forehead. A small cloud of fur wafted from the spitting, hissing feline as it struggled to be free from Mary-Sue’s grip.
“Fluffy says that your minds are too underdeveloped to communicate with her telepathically, the way I do,” Mary-Sue said, “But that I can tell you all who I am really am! You see, I am so much more than just ‘Mary-Sue.’ As perfect as I am I can be only one thing. I am…”
Whatever Mary-Sue had been about to say was lost in the thunderous wind storm that suddenly blew into the center of the Hikawa Shrine. Flower petals, large and black as midnight filled the air. A figure slowly resolved within the floral tempest. Dressed in unrelieved black from his cape to his ruffled shirt and uncomfortably tight pants, a young man hung in mid-air among the flower petals.
“At last I’ve found you, Princess,” the young man said, a sardonic smile splitting his thin lips. “And this time there will be no escape. I will make you mine!”
For a man who was as private as he was, Chiba Mamoru had an odd affection for the very busy Crown Fruit Parlor. It wasn’t just the fact the his long time friend Motoki worked there, nor was it the surprisingly good coffee they served. In a restaurant that catered to a younger crowd, Mamoru was able to find some much desired anonymity. As long as Mamoru did nothing to attract attention to himself, he could sit in a booth by the window and quietly watch the world go by without anyone bothering him.
The world this afternoon included his girlfriend, Usagi. She, along with Makoto, Ami and Minako had gone by a few minutes ago, heading off in the direction of the Hikawa Shrine. It’d given Mamoru a chance to quietly watch her. His Usako had matured a lot over the past few years. Still outgoing and maddeningly naïve at times, there was, nevertheless, a burgeoning grace about her that sometimes left Mamoru breathless. It was the grace of a future Queen.
The idea that he and Usagi were destined to reign over a united and peaceful earth was a heady one. That kind of knowledge could very easily turn him into the kind of self-absorbed moron that Mamoru had always actively loathed. To make sure that his ego was kept in check, he’d come up with something he called the “Chiba Mamoru Scale of Personal Humiliation.”
At the very bottom of the list, number ten, was the time Rei had charged in on him when he was bathing, giving her a brief but spectacular view of the Prince of Earth’s royal jewels. Number one on the list was getting his tuxedoed ass handed to him by a bunch of villains called “Bon-Bon Babies.” The memory of having the snot beaten out of him by those round, soft and disgustingly cute monsters was a sobering one.
Anytime he was tempted to feel smug about being a masked hero of justice, reborn Prince or future King, all Mamoru had to do was contemplate his unfortunate tendency to be kidnapped and then brainwashed by very evil and exceptionally well endowed women.
A sudden tingling in his chest broke Mamoru’s train of thought. He hoped that it was the cell phone he’d tucked into the pocket of his shirt vibrating but very quickly knew that wasn’t it. Usagi must have morphed into Eternal Sailor Moon. If she did that then there was most definitely trouble.
Reaching for his wallet he tossed some money on the table and headed for the back door. Mamoru could only hope that he would be in time if his princess needed him.
“Oh no!” Mary-Sue gasped, her iron-like hold on Fluffy loosening enough for the cat to wriggle free. The feline hit the ground and with a yowl, dashed off as fast and as far as she could from Mary-Sue.
“Yes, Fluffy! Run and get help!” she called after the rapidly departing cat.
“I have crossed time and space to have you, Princess of the White Moon,” the villain said. He still hovered in the middle of the flowery tempest he commanded. “My desire for you burns as brightly now as it did a thousand years ago.”
“Oh great,” Rei mumbled, “Another whack-job from the past. What is it with you attracting these high-powered psychos, anyway?”
“I don’t know this guy!” Usagi snapped back.
The man floating in the whirlwind of black rose petals gave an evil smile. “I am the Great Prince Anthracite, ruler of the Coaly Black Moon, Sailor Senshi, and I have come to claim my future queen. Stand aside or die at my hands!”
“He knows who we are, guys,” Minako said, “We’d better transform.”
The Great Prince Anthracite merely watched and smiled as, in a flash of enchanted light, the legendary soldiers of the Silver Millennium came to life. He threw back his head and gave a peal of insane laughter.
“Foolish girls. Your piddling powers are no match for mine. This time no one will stop me from having you, Princess. Not your guardian senshi or your precious prince, no one!”
The chilling effect the words, not to mention the maniacal laughter, should have had on the assembled senshi was considerably dampened when a stray rose petal was sucked into the Prince of the Coaly Black Moon’s open mouth. He floated down to the ground, grabbing his throat and choking loudly on the petal before managing to spit it out.
“Damn, I hate it when that happens, “ the misanthropic monarch wheezed. Eyes watering, he waved a hand in the girls general direction. “But you will still be mine, Princess Tranquility!”
Although Mercury wasn’t really sure that she should ask, her curiosity got the better of her. She looked at Usagi, now Eternal Sailor Moon, then at the expectorating prince. “Tranquility? Don’t you mean Princess Serenity?”
“No, he means Tranquility,” came Mary-Sue’s voice. She balled her delicate hands into fists, a look of righteous anger on her perfect face. “I had to hide it, but now it’s time for the truth to be known. I am the one all of you were reborn to protect. I am the Supreme Crown Princess Tranquility of the White Moon Kingdom, the rightful heir to the Silver Millennium!”
While it was true that Usagi could still occasionally be good-hearted to the point of insanity, there were certain things that invariably brought that tendency to a screaming halt. Having someone try to steal her gig as the Moon Princess was one of them. All of Usagi’s notions as to who and what Mary-Sue was (along with most of her sympathy for the American exchange student) disappeared faster than a billion dollars on Capitol Hill.
Eternal Sailor Moon’s face was rapidly turning red with indignation. “You are not. There’s only one Moon Princess and that’s me!”
Mary-Sue gave a gentle smile as she walked towards Usagi. “I’m afraid it’s true. I am your older sister, dear Serenity; the perfect one. Our mother knew that I would need time to come into my unbelievably massive powers. To keep me safe, she implanted false memories into you and my other guardian Senshi. But at last I am ready to take my place as the most powerful Sailor Senshi on this or any other planet. Here, let me prove it to you!”
A meticulously manicured hand was thrust in to the air. Mary-Sue threw back her head and called out in a painfully loud voice, “Perfection power – make up!”
There was a flash of light, so brilliant that it mercifully, albeit temporarily, blinded friend and foe alike. Eternal Sailor Moon blinked hard, trying to clear the small, dancing dots from before her eyes. Her vision starting to clear, Usagi finally a good look at Mary-Sue and in that moment, almost wished she was still blind.
Jupiter was at Eternal Moon’s elbow. “Oh, my God,” she gasped.
Before her was a transformed Mary-Sue. Her fuku was everything a senshi’s uniform should be and far too much more. The rainbow colored bow on Sailor Perfect’s tie-dyed fuku had a multi-faceted crystalline locket at its center. The locket caught the light each time she moved, giving off the kind of blinding flashes guaranteed to trigger a migraine headache. She sported a large pair of iridescent wings on her back and had four layers of tightly crimped multi-colored skirts. On her brow was a silver crescent moon that also, predictably enough, gave a shower of rainbow sparks as Mary-Sue struck an elegant pose.
“I am the most beautiful sailor suited solider of perfect love and ultimate justice. Men desire me. Women want to be me.” She blinked her violet eyes coquettishly and tossed her head so that her hair framed her face, showing off her delicate cheekbones. “I am Sailor Perfect and in the name of the Moon, I shall show you all your faults and how to correct them! You may thank me later.”
Prince Anthracite’s breath came in ragged gasps of desire. “My queen, my angel, my sweet obsession! You are perfection, my reason for living, my all, my end, my….”
“We get the idea!” Mars noted with disgust that the evil prince appeared to be drooling.
Sailor Perfect turned to face the Prince of the Coaly Black Moon. “You may have tracked me across space, villain, but you will never have me! My love has always belonged to another. No one may command the heart of the Princess of the Moon Kingdom.”
Usagi gave an exasperated cry. “Are you deaf or what? You are not the Princess of the Moon Kingdom!”
A burst of black fire suddenly surrounded Anthracite. “Then you will die, Sailor Perfect. If I can’t have you, no one can! I’ll destroy you all!” The villain tilted his head and indulged in yet another round of insane laughter. His mirth was cut short, though.
“Not while we’re around you won’t!”
The afternoon sunlight haloed the three Soldiers of the Outer Planets who had suddenly appeared in the courtyard. And although they were well out of season, Usagi could have sworn that there were cherry blossoms in the air around them.
“Uranus, Neptune, Pluto!” she called out happily. “How did you know there was trouble?”
“Hellooo,” Prince Anthracite said, peeved. “Do you mind? I’m in the middle of making a threat here.”
“We sensed a burst of evil energy,” Pluto said.
“I’m going to kill you all,” Anthracite called out, a little louder this time.
Uranus pulled forward the cat-girl she held by the nape of the neck. “And, of course, we had a little assistance from Miss Kitty, here. Once we’d helped her remember why she came to Earth in the first place, that is.”
Steam was beginning to rise from the Prince of the Coaly Black Moon’s ears. “Dead, dead, dead! You are all going to be so very dead!”
Kitty waved weakly at the misanthropic monarch, “Hi Boss. I got my memory back. So, when do you want to start to take over the world?”
One of the character flaws inherent in most of the forces of darkness is they really hate to be ignored. Prince Anthracite was no exception. His patience tried beyond its limit, the dark power exploded from him, writhing around him in reflection of his bad temper.
“I will take Princess Tranquility and force her to be my bride if it’s the last thing I do!”
“Tranquility?” Uranus asked, “Who the hell is Princess Tranquility?”
Mercury gave a long suffering sigh, “You don’t want to know.”
“And I’m going to do that right after I give myself an early wedding present and kill you meddling Sailor Senshi!” Anthracite shrieked.
The dark prince had taken no more than a single step when a rose lanced through the air, impaling itself into the ground before him. The storm of dark magic around the prince was disrupted and as with most evil doers, Anthracite stopped and looked up, utterly dumbfounded by the flower.
“What is the meaning of this?”
“I despise a man who tries to force himself on a woman, no matter who she claims to be,” came the dulcet tones of Tuxedo Kamen. He stood at the other end of the courtyard, another rose already in his hand. “Give up your wicked ways or I, Tuxedo Kamen, will not forgive you!”
As usual, even in the most dire of circumstances, the appearance of the tuxedo clad hero brightened Eternal Sailor Moon immediately. “Tuxedo Kamen-sama!”
Any cheer Usagi gained by her beloved’s presence evaporated in a heartbeat when Sailor Perfect turned towards Mamoru.
“Endymion!” she said breathlessly, a hand going to her ample bosom. Sailor Perfect rushed towards him with the gentle grace of a nose-tackle. “Oh Endymion, it is you! You’ve come back to me!”
Tuxedo Kamen squirmed as Sailor Perfect threw her arms around him. “Wh...what…?” he stammered, more than a little confused and mortified by the turn of events.
Sailor Perfect continued to crush herself to the erstwhile hero, “Oh Endy, my perfect prince! I know that you love me so much more than you could ever love sweet but imperfect Serenity.”
“Sweet but imperfect?” Eternal Sailor Moon huffed. “And why does Mary-Sue seem to know you so well, ‘Endy’?!”
Mercury gently patted Sailor Moon on the shoulder. “Usagi-chan, I’m reasonably sure that Tuxedo Kamen-sama would never cheat on you.” She paused to consider her words than added, “Unless, of course, he’s been brainwashed again.”
“It has been known to happen,” Neptune had to agree.
“I have no idea who this girl is,” Tuxedo Kamen called back to his eternal love while desperately attempting to peel Mary-Sue off his princely body. “Really!”
Rubbing herself against Tuxedo Kamen, Sailor Perfect seemed unaffected by either his discomfort or the fact that Usagi was rapidly coming to a boil. “ But as much as it will break your heart, you must try to forget about me. I know that my dear little sister Serenity is not as perfect as I, but she needs you.”
Tuxedo Kamen continued to try and extricate himself from the amazingly persistent grip of Sailor Perfect. He glanced over at Usagi, and saw that her lovely blue eyes were widening with anger, a single vein on her brow pulsing in time to her jagged gasps of building rage.
“Oh damn,” he whimpered softly and wondered if today just might be the day that the Bon-Bon Babies would lose their number one spot on the Chiba Mamoru Scale of Personal Humiliation.
“But alas, as hard as it may be for you to accept the truth, we can never be together again,” Sailor Perfect sighed dramatically. A hand went to her forehead and in doing so, released Tuxedo Kamen from her vise-like embrace.
“My heart will always belong to my soul-mate, my one true love,” Sailor Perfect threw her arms open to her beloved, “My Rei-chan!”
There was a single moment of uncomfortable silence, scarcely longer than a heartbeat, while Mars tried to tell herself that she couldn’t possibly have heard the words coming out of Mary-Sue’s mouth correctly. It wasn’t until both Venus and Jupiter began to snicker in back of her that she was finally able to speak.
Sailor Perfect batted violet eyes coquettishly at the object of her desire. “Oh dearest Rei-chan, my little Firebrand of Love. The memories of our endless nights of passion together, the whipped cream, the chocolate syrup, the trapeze; they’re seared into my heart, now and for all time” said Sailor Perfect, a demure blush coming to her cheeks.
Uranus leaned over towards Mars, “Whipped cream, chocolate syrup and a trapeze? Rei-chan, you sly dog. You’ve been holding out on us.”
If looks could kill then one Rei gave Haruka would have had the Soldier of the Sky six feet under in a heart beat.
Prince Anthracite flung his black cape back with a dramatic toss of his arm and beckoned with one hand “It must be clear to you now, that the beings of this petty world are not worthy of your perfection my future queen. This is your last chance. Come to me and rule the universe by my side or die a long, lingering, messy and really, really painful death!”
“Sounds good to me,” Mars mumbled.
“Never, villain!” Sailor Perfect struck yet another pose, “I will never be yours!”
“Then feel my wrath!” the prince of the Coaly Black Moon raised his hands above his head and let loose a blast of dark power.
Tuxedo Kamen took a surprised Eternal Sailor Moon in his arms and turned his back to Anthracite, trying to take the brunt of the blow. This shouldn’t really have been that much of a surprise, Tuxedo Kamen mused in a very short moment of reflection, since he had a long history of throwing himself in front of any energy blast or sharp object tossed in Sailor Moon’s general direction. The brief reverie ended when the ebony energy engulfed the assembled heirs of the Moon Kingdom. As one they tensed and braced themselves for the expected pain.
Which never came.
“What the hell…?” Jupiter looked around, confused. Black mist filled with ebony flower petals surrounded them all, she noted, but there was no pain associated with it.
Mercury was nodding her head, “Is it just me or is nothing happening?”
“It’s not you,” Pluto agreed while the black power pulsed around them. “This is very… odd.”
Mars was the one who cut straight to the point. “This guy is shooting blanks!” She didn’t know whether to laugh or be angry at the cosmic level of Prince Anthracite’s incompetence.
The dark prince seemed more than a little annoyed at his foes continued existence. “Hey! Will you please just shut up and die? I’ve got a universe to take over and thanks to your interference, I’m all ready behind schedule!”
Mary–Sue leapt up, undaunted by villain’s inability to actually cause harm. She took a page from Tuxedo Kamen’s book and threw herself between the Senshi and the ineffectual dark energy coming from Prince Anthracite’s hands.
“I will protect you Serenity, my sweet, imperfect little sister!”
“Will you please stop calling me that?!” Eternal Moon barked.
Sailor Perfect raised her hands to cup the flashing locket on the bow, which popped open. The multi-faceted gem inside it moved out, then floated to rest between Mary-Sue’s palms.
“I will protect this planet and all of you even if it means my own death!”
“You don’t have to do this Mary-Sue,” Ami called out, “Look, we’re all just fine, thank you!
Venus nodded and added, “Besides, this villain is a real loser. Geez, and I thought the Bon Bon Babies were bad…”
Ignoring them, Sailor Perfect raised her hands over her head and called out, “Super-ultra-mega-sparkly-perfection crystal – activate!”
No sooner had Mary-Sue gotten the words out of her mouth than from deep within the facets of the crystal came a soft glow. It quickly built until the very air around Sailor Perfect began to sparkle. With that radiance came the first real danger of the day.
The crystal started to pulse, tendrils of energy snaking out from it.
Those ribbons went straight for the very ones Mary-Sue was purporting to protect. In the blink of an eye the Sailor Senshi and Tuxedo Kamen were encased in crystalline cocoons that trapped them where they stood.
“Stop!” Eternal Sailor Moon called out. “Mary-Sue, what are you doing?”
The Soldier of Perfection turned once more to face her nemesis. “Prince Anthracite of the Coaly Black Moon, in the name of the moon I, Supreme Crown Princess Tranquility, will end your reign of evil forever!”
“Mary-Sue, I’m going to end your sorry life right now if you don’t release us immediately,” Uranus shouted.
The crystal between Mary-Sue’s hands shuddered. The auras around the senshi pulsed in time to it and energy from the trapped soldiers began to move from their bodies up and into Sailor Perfect.
“What’s happening?” Venus asked, suddenly feeling lightheaded.
Jupiter struggled against the force that held her immobile. She closed her eyes and concentrated, “Supreme Th…Thun…” she sagged inside her crystal cage. “My power, it’s being drained away.”
“It’s Mary-Sue. She’s somehow absorbing the energy of our sailor crystals into herself,” Mercury managed to gasp out.
Prince Anthracite, seemingly oblivious to anything and or anyone other than Mary-Sue, was suddenly dumb-founded when his persistent but ineffective dark power was swallowed up by the light from Sailor Perfect’s crystal.
“This can’t be! I can’t lose! My evil plan is perfect; perfect I tell you!
Mary-Sue was in her glory. “The only thing perfect here is me, villain! I am smarter than Ami. A better cook than Makoto. More talented than Minako. A stronger visionary than Rei. And my shine, my power, my light is so much brighter than that of even Sailor Moon!”
“Hormonal hot flash!!”
Sailor Perfect’s tirade was cut short by the attack phrase and the subsequent burst of steel-gray fire that came with the words. It slammed into both the would-be Supreme Crown Princess Tranquility and her foe, Prince Anthracite, sending them tumbling to the ground.
The stone between Mary-Sue’s hands fell to earth and shattered to dust. The crystal cocoons it had created exploded into rainbow colored shards that fell away from Tuxedo Kamen and the Sailor Senshi.
Freed at last from Mary-Sue’s spell, Eternal Sailor Moon stumbled forward a step, only to be caught by Tuxedo Kamen. She gave him a grateful smile when he steadied her, then looked up the latest arrival in a day that had all ready seen far too many new faces.
“Who are you?”
The woman before Usagi was unlike any other Sailor Senshi she had ever seen. For openers, the woman was easily over forty and a good twenty pounds over-weight. Brushing a lock of graying hair from her eyes, the warrior moved towards the prostrate Mary-Sue.
“I am the not too ugly Soldier of Middle Age, Sailor Menopause. Annoy me and in the name of hormonally imbalanced women everywhere, I will punish you.”
She took a small device from the hip pocket of her fuku and gently placed it on Mary-Sue’s head. Sailor Perfect melted away, replaced by the blonde exchange student who had walked into the Hikawa Shrine not long ago.
“My sincere apologies, Princess Serenity, Prince Endymion and soldiers of the White Moon,” Sailor Menopause gave a respectful bow in their direction. “Mary-Sue is one of the inmates in my charge.”
“Inmate? Does this mean that she really is dangerous?” Venus asked with barely constrained glee. Minako loved being right.
“Oh, my yes. If left unrestrained Mary-Sue goes from reality to reality, sucking the life and common sense out of any world she encounters in order to remake it to her liking.”
Hauling her dazed but now harmless charge to her feet, the graying Soldier of Middle-Age looked around for the one she needed. “Mary-Sue managed to take advantage of one of my newest employees and escaped. Kitty!” she called to the cat-girl, almost forgotten in the chaos, “What did I tell you about getting too friendly with the inmates?”
Dusting herself off, a downcast Kitty moved to join Sailor Menopause. “But she said the brownies she made were for my birthday.”
The graying warrior sighed wearily and mumbled something about good help being hard to find. She summoned a portal back to her own dimension then bowed once more. “Once again, my apologies for the trouble, Prince, Princess. Please rest assured that my associate, Sailor Peri-Menopause, has our most secure facilities ready for Mary-Sue. She shouldn’t bother you again.”
Mary-Sue smiled vapidly as, with Sailor Menopause on one side and Kitty the other, the would be Soldier of Perfection was carted off into the portal. “They love me, here” she said, “They really, really love me.”
“Of course they do, dear” was the last thing heard as the doorway to another dimension was mercifully closed.
Other than cleaning up the black flower petals scattered all over the Shrine’s court yard, there was just one other loose end to tie up. It turned out that “Prince Anthracite” was, in reality, a data base manager from Passaic, New Jersey. The last thing he remembered was attending an international MCDBA (Microsoft Certified Data Base Administrator) convention currently being hosted in Tokyo. Since programmers contend that the acronym, MCDBA, really stands for “Me Can Drink Big Amounts,” it didn’t take all that much effort to get the young man to buy the explanation that he’d simply partied much too hard and that the events of the last few hours were nothing more than an alcohol induced hallucination. Rei gave him a couple of aspirin, cab fare and sent him on his way.
Mamoru and Haruka had quickly offered to go out and get pizza for everyone when Rei began handing out brooms and telling people to get busy. Happily, many hands really do make light work. By the time the pizza was brought back, the courtyard was once again clean.
Minako was feeling quite please with herself. “You know, Rei” she said, reaching for her second slice of pizza, “I may not have visions like you or Michiru, but you should take my insights a little more seriously in the future.”
Usagi nodded from where she sat, leaning back to rest against Mamoru’s broad chest, “She’s right, Rei-chan. Minako does have more experience with youmas than any of us. I mean, she spent all that time fighting alone as Sailor V.”
“If her insights weren’t good, then she never would have survived to come back to Tokyo,” Ami added.
“I suppose,” Rei said, shrugging her shoulders.
Minako had a very satisfied smile on her face. “You mean you admit that I was right about Mary-Sue?”
Rei reached for another slice of pizza. She very purposely avoided looking at the blonde across the table from her. “I suppose so.”
“You just will not come out and say the words, ‘You were right, Minako’ will you?”
The smile Rei gave was a sly one. Yes, Minako had been right but she wasn’t about to let it go to her friend’s head. “Maybe.”
Haruka gave a bark of laughter. “Hey, we just finished one useless fight, so let’s not start another one, ne?”
It was Makoto who had the last word.
“Give her a break, Minako-chan,” Mako smiled. “After all, nobody’s perfect.”