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Adam David Mckim
I love this poem. Amazingly beautiful. Definitely adding to my favorites. You described the scenery perfectly. You sure do know how to capture the reader. Love this piece. I'm definitely gonna be reading everything of yours :)
Absolutely beautiful!!! It's a lovely poem ... so peaceful. Reminds me of the wonders of being on the country side. Most people over look the small exquisite places because they never have the time to see them for their selves. It actually inspires me to write about something that isn't dark and depressing.:) Keep up the good work Samantha.
Gorgeous! It reminds me of the mountains I've been to so many times. I've hiked and done almost the same thing...there is a peace up there I cannot describe..something that livens the spirit and makes you leave behind the pain of life....beautiful write!!!!!
I love your poem! It filled me with a sense of peace, and it was as if I was experiencing these things. You painted a very beautiful portrait of nature.
This is a really nice peace of work it's certainly making me think about going hiking eve though that type of stuff is definatly not my type of thing. I like the way you used the words to make it feel like you could really be in the water swimming lying in the grass it's truly wonderful. Oh and the bit about looking at the stars is the best love star gazing very good piece keep it up
i loved your poem and have so many good things to say about it, so i will start with the tiny bit of negative so i won't have to stop once i've started rolling the compliments.
i want to leave you feeling warm and valued so i'll start with a small grammar point that needs attention. "it's" means it is. you made a mistake, you meant to write "its grasp" that is a very common error but you are way way too clever for that.
i felt like you were painting a picture and creating an environment, an atmosphere, a context. the experience was like when you watch a musician playing his instrument so well that the music takes on a life of its own. you led me by the hand and gently explained your nature walk step by step, going back and explaining your key words, images, like a winding path. like a friend that doesn't let go.
i loved your descriptions. they work. for me the highest points were when you jumped in the icy water and the ending with the muddy boots and stars. so romantic. so magical. so lovely and fantastical. i enjoyed your poem a lot.
Awesome! I was swept away to my Colorado homeland, climbing around in the majestic Rockies, which I so much miss here in New Jersey.
The work is excellent--I'm a free verse poet, too--but several corrections could be made, but since they've already been well-covered, I won't flog a dead horse by bringing them up all over again.
Still, as you go through this piece on rewrite mode, ask, "How many of my five senses could I use to improve this great poem?" I'm sure you'll find room. As Rich well said, "Show, don't tell." That's the secret of really successful writing. Keep at it!
Richard Reed Jr
I love poems of nature with beautiful imagery.
Sometimes I ski in Vail, Aspen, and Jackson hole Wyoming in May. I'm overcome by nature and awed. Your imagery awed me. I could almost feel myself there.
You show a great deal of potential because you feel so much and describe your feelings vividly -unafraid to risk yourself.
My one piece of advice is :show the poem don't tell it. Makes it more awesome by showing not telling like-give the objects in your poem more action to make the poem come alive.
like:Peacefulness is born in the mountains
Your footsteps hiking up the hill Won't leave a single sound.
The sun fires up an icy cold stream
The soft wind steals
The scent of huddling pine trees
Stumbles and spills it's beautiful fragrance throughout the air
My lungs, breathe in the freshness surrounding me.
While the roar of the rapids pours into my ears making the stream sound more like a river
The rapids slow as I continue to pass by
a strange quietness seeps into my heart making me feel as though something is wrong
Keep up the good work.
Your friend always,
Wow, that was wonderful! I often like to walk in the night myself, but since it's been a horrible winter this year, no can do. :(
I agree, there's beautiful imagery; really vivid and descriptive. It's like my poem, The Daylight World. :D
There's a lot of spelling/grammar mistakes in this, though! Here, I'll post the entire edited poem.
It is peaceful in the mountains
You can hike up the hill and there won't be a single sound.
The stream is icy cold as the sun hammers down on you
The fume in the air is so sweet
The very light wind is bringing the beautiful smell
The scent is of enormous pine trees
As the air enters my lungs, around me swerves a beautiful gust of wind.
The creek seems like a river since it roars on the rapids so loudly
The rapids slow as I continue to pace by
Everything is so quiet something almost feels wrong
I break the silence by jumping into the icy substance.
It feels good as it cools my burning flesh
As time goes by and I wade in the water
My body starts to tremble
My body breaks the surface and I lay on the scolding grass
Now that my body is chilled, the warmth feels good
After a while I decide to jump back in.
This time my head goes under and I start to swim.
Small little rapids here and there
If only life were always so innocent and you could always wander without care
My lungs inhale a nice big gulp of air as my body rises and falls
It is now dark with the trimming of crickets
On this summer night however, it stays warm
I look at the sky, and there are stars
They make me smile and I then see the true inner me
As I strutt back up the hill
My eyes never leave the silky luminescent moon
Or the bright twinkling stars
Like I said, there's a lot of imagery in here that makes it really nice to read. I really admire how you tell this poem in a story method. And I really like that line, "If only life were always so innocent and you could always wander without care". That's one of the biggest sadnesses I think of when I mull over the condition of the modern world.
Wonderful work! Just edit it a little, and I'll give you 5 stars!
Wow! That was wonderful! I loved your descriptions- they were perfect! You create a great mood in the reader. I love free verse poems- though I can never seem to write one. Great job!
that was marvelous
Wow... I found the one typo Jordan, Leigh, and William missed! *does the first typo dance* :D
'But i see my muddy shoes, and the stars are still there.'
I'm sure you found it :)
I really love this. I love poems that are a mix of prose, and poetry. It's a style I used for a little while, and I really like it. I really, really, REALLY love the image given in the final line. One more thing... you never mention it is night in the poem until the last few stanzas, and then you make reference that it changed to night while the narrator was swimming. Was it supposed to be night the entire time, or was the day supposed to fade to night? Whichever it is, you might want to revise the lines in the poem, or the title.
Of the CC