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Shattered

by Emily Garwood (Age: 29)
copyright 07-14-2007


Age Rating: 10 +

As I lay on the floor,
I just can't go on any more,
You look at me from far,
I've got a shell of perfection.

But inside is a shattered heart,
Weeping years of loss and regret,
There's thorns around me,
And I just keep falling into them...
Every cut a little deeper.

Love should of been made for strong people,
People that wouldn't hurt,
That knew love was a sacred vow...
An affection from deep down.

These words I use are for expressing;
My deepest pains,
But the reality can never compare,
I'm so confused.

Did I say something wrong,
Am I not what you want,
Can I be for you...
Can I be for anyone?

My insides are shattered,
Yet I can still smile knowing I have you,
Darien...oh and grandad too,
Your somewhere and you'll keep me safe.

I'm making no sense,
But this isn't for you,
This is to kick old habits and teach them a lesson,
I wont turn back.

I won't be darker than the darkest,
I won't fall for your traps,
I just want to know the truth...
Write it to me, tell it to me.

Whatever you must do....
I won't make anything of it;
Nothing will become of it....
Life will just carry on.

Now I'm feeling better the thorns are less,
only for explaining...my simple;
yet complicated thoughts,
Don't think much of it...
The mind's a complicated place.

So if you understand...
no me dejas asi, ayudame.






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        07-16-2007     Richard Reed Jr        

Emy,

I just love your poetry so much. They make me so emotional, and they are well-written with beautiful words and phrases. I think you must have a corazon grande to write like this. Please keep writing I love it.

My favorite stanzas:

Whatever you must do....
I won't make anything of it;
Nothing will become of it....
Life will just carry on.

So if you understand...
no me dejas asi, ayudame.
( I think this means "please don't leave me like this, help me!" Not sure but I think so.

Wonderful write.
~Rich


        07-15-2007     Leigh Gilholm Fisher        

Wow! This is a very powerful piece! I really love your choice of words, and the way this piece flows. Your rhyming was good too, but the second line, while I understand you did it for the rhyme, just seems a little off. I did find a typo in this piece, in the seventh paragraph you forgot the apostrophe in won't. I didn't see anything else, although I am no grammar editor and I make no claim to be. I also like the last line, although I cannot read it I always like adding lines in other languages. For me, it's Japanese. I like the way you compile many aspects of a broken heart, not just dragging one out. While I've read countless love poems, this one stands out among the others because of that. Good work! Keep it coming!


Leigh of the Commenting Community

        07-15-2007     Samantha Powers        

i love this poem it's so beautiful
there where a few errors i found


I just can't go on no more,
that is very improper
you should switch it to
I just can't go on any more,

another mistake

I wont turn back.

lol this should be
I won't turn back

another

The minds a complicated place.

should be

The mind's or mind is a complicated place

thats all i caught which is really good because usualyl I have like 30 errors
but A piece of advice would be to add a caption or something telling what the last line meant.
this was really good your description was so complex yet simple.
it reminded me of a story of a beautiful flower that made people immortal when picked but it was surrounded by thorns of poisen and no one ever tried to pick it so the flower died
it was so sad
correct those errors
and let me kno and ill give u a 5 star



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