Meaningful Words Left Unsaid
Age Rating: 7 +
Determination is what motivates the mind,
It is a part of the soul that keeps us alive.
Not giving up is what we need to believe,
Because if you do give up, others will see.
Life and time will not stand completely still,
And here I stand with an undying will.
Sorrow haunts me with the mistakes I've made,
Yet you left when I still have so much to say.
Just because it's a cold winters night,
Doesn't mean I stop breathing, and die.
Words unspoken, unwritten, and unthought,
Are jumbled up, like a battle yet to be fought.
Nothing can disappear once it is there,
To the heart, soul, and mind it just isn't fair.
Like all the problems I have spread,
I will stand here to help all those hearts that have bled.
My mind is racing,
With all these problems I am still facing.
Yet you are not one of those,
I just hope you know that I consider you and I very close.
I just don't understand the words you won't say,
I guess its just a fact of life, and it's just your way.
Destiny will call on me to face the truth,
Even though, I had hoped I'd face it with you.
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This was very well done. I enjoyed it very much. The last lines really stood out to me...
It's a sad thing indeed when what we had hoped would be, doesn't happen.
But although this poem presented the sadness that was felt, it was also encouraging, showing that with a little strength things can go on.
This was another one that was written while I was "away." Not just yours, but I seemed to have missed many good works. Which this one certainly is. Mostly it speaks to me on that always important, personal level, that I can identify with. Of both sometimes not being able to say exactly what I want to (the words and ideas get all jumbled up somewhere between my brain and my tongue) or being with someone that I can't understand or doesn't want to tell me how they're really feeling. Maybe can't, because they don't have the words. I don't think I could have captured these ideas as easily as you've expressed them, here. ^^
Richard Reed Jr
This is a poem of one of life's struggles. Yes. the more we want to say something the more difficult it becomes to say.
This is the wisdom of the ages. And it displays your maturity in spite of your yeaars.
Grammatically and poetically everything looks good.
Good read, good write,
Anthony Lane Stahlhut
Lots of feeling here and words left unspoken are lost in the wind.The things that you want to say are important and something unsaid only festers in your mind. It's sad when relationships are gone before they are done. It's OK for the one that made the decision to leave, but the one left behind is always at a loss! Anthony
Leigh Gilholm Fisher
*slides glasses up nose* Very nice! I have no grammatical complaints, so I'll dive right into my thoughts on the message of the poem.
The flow was very nice and the ending bit reminded me of a few random lines in some of my recent works. If I ever get In The Name up to PnP quality you'll see what I mean. I agree with the others in the sense you did pull numerous edges of different swords with mentioning numerous different aspects of a similar set of problems.
Also, the last line of your poem reminded me of two of the most raw lines of my In The Name:
But 'us' and 'yesterday' stand together
Now it's 'me' and 'today' that have to face the world
The overall poem needs to be refined a bit, but hopefully you'll see the rest. ^-^
Leigh of the Commenting Community
Dori Del Valle
i thought it was adorable and true... how many thoughts we can never piece together or words that wont come out... i thought it was great..and i hope to read more of your work!! ^-^
Wow! you mention lots of important meanings here that we all should learn. I like the rhyming, but sometimes is makes the flow a bit choppy. I'd edit this a bit to even out the syllables in each line, and then this could be a lot better. Some of your sentences tend to be a bit too wordy. like the very last one. It has a really cute statement hear, but the meaning could be more clear if you changed it to from this:
I just want you to know i had hoped I'd face it with you.
I want you to know i hoped to face it with you.
This work is great, but over jamming lines can really throw off the flow. But besides that, i just LOVED all the emotion and descriptions here. great job!
You portrayed so many emotions here. The things you want to say, but can't are noramlly the most powerful of words that are bottled up in your heart.
The flow is a bit choppy in the 5th section of the poem. Other then that I can't find anything wrong.