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A love I will never regret

by Jeniffer Brand (Age: 47)
copyright 09-16-2002

Age Rating: 18 +

I've cared for this man ever since I've met him. I was never more drawen to anyone in my life like that. We had a wonderful friendship. We would sit and talk story, ride around looking at houses, shop, and do some sales calls. Somtimes just pick on each other all day long!
We had a special bond. The kind of bond were we would say the same thing at once, know what the other is thinking. We could feel each other's energy, which is not a surprise because the energy between us was so strong. Most times we would come to work wearing the same color clothes!
But....he had a girlfriend with whom he shared a baby. Though not being married, he had a strong sence of commitment toward her.
Once I left for Phoenix, I really realized how much I needed him in my life. How much I missed him and cared for him. We would always talk on the phone. Sometimes for an hour, sometimes everyday. Once I've made up my mind to come home, I couldn't wait to get there! see my family again, but mostly I wanted things to get back to normal between us! At that time he didn't have a clue about my attraction to him. And at first I didn't either. It was like waking up one morning and there it was. But he had a girlfriend at the time and I wasn't sure what would become of it. Or if "it" would even exsist.
A few months after I came home, I finally spilled the beans. Since I couldn't tell him with words, I wrote him a letter. We were on one of our road trips and I made him pull over. I handed him the letter, got out of the car, and smoked a cigarette. That was the longest cigarette I've ever smoked! Two minutes seemed like twenty! To my surprise he was understanding. I was releaved things would stay the same between us. Now I believe he felt the same way but couldn't tell me.
For years after that day, our friendship stayed strong. Sure we both had our up's and down's. But we never stopped caring about each other. Friends we were and friends we stayed. Which wasn't easy.
The sexual attraction and tension began growing stronger between us. And that was hard, wanting something so much but not being allowed to have it.
He never spoke of his feelings toward me. I guess it was his way of not having to "deal with it". He would always tell me "he didn't want to hurt me". That he cared to much about me. At that time I couldn't or wouldn't, understand that. I still tried and tried, fought and fought for his love. Over and over again.
See, shortly after, and around that point in my life I was dealing with depression and had one anxiety attack after another. After that one night of trying to "cure" everything, I deceided to give up my apartment and move back in with my parents for a while, which I did. Shortly after that, I'd made a move in my career and took another job. My heart didn't agree, but my head told me it was best to just move on. And that's what I tried to do.
We were still in each other's lives. Not as much though. His girlfriend was still around. I still loved and missed him. But things weren't so hard on my feelings anymore. I threw myself into my work, got my own place again, and started growing stronger. My "funk" was gone, and so was the anxiety! I loved my new apartment with a balcony, and loved my job. I was happy. But deep inside I still missed my best friend. That was ok though. Because we still saw each other and talked now and then.
After 9/11 I was laid off and luckily got my old job back. Yeah, I had some canges to make but that was ok. I still had everything I needed and then some. Plus, I was so much stronger than I was two years ago!
Things went right back to the way they were from the very start. Laughing, spending time, talking, taking road trips...etc. Knowing not being able to be with him didn't really bother me that much anymore. Though I loved to bring up the subject just to see what he would say or do!? Ok, I teased him a little. Picking at him like that became a game to me. And still to this day, I don't think he knew that. What I think is....he thought he knew me pretty well. Which in most cases he did.
One evening things turned out pretty heated. And it happened "just like that". Little did we both know, our relationship began that day. If you can call it a relationship.
Since I lived on property, it was easy for him to just "stop by". We would sit and talk, sometimes for hours. Sometimes he would show up in the middle of the day just to get away from the office madness.
Soon things began to happen naturally between us. The first time we were together he'd asked me if I was "sure about this"? Well no, but....ok. The only thing I was sure about was being with him.
That day was nine months ago. I can honestly say that no one has brought out in me the sexuality as he has! I loved being with him. I craved being with him. And still do! He really has brought out a side in me which I've never experienced. Our relationship, for the most part, was very sexual. He would call me, come by, even just to relax. I loved having him around. Sometimes we would lay in bed together, watch a movie, take a nap, or just hold each other. Whenever he had a fee minute, he would spend it with me. There wasn't a lot of time though. But I cherished every minute with him, and missed him ever hour we were apart.
Sometimes before he left, he would tell me "think about me tonight". Like I couldn't do that anyway!
After a few months, I started falling for him really hard. Knowing he had a girlfriend, I always tried to protect myself from "that". Feelings are feelings, but falling in love is different!
I told him this. He always knew what I was feeling. And I could honestly tell him I was in love with him. At one point he did the same. During that time, I can say, I was very happy! I was happy just to be with him. He made me feel good, good about everything.
I was ok with him not being able to be with me in the evenings or at night. I understood. But I still asked him when he could stay. The words "soon" always came out of his mouth.
We started becoming closer and closer. A day hardly went by when we didn't see each other. He had made some plans about his future. We would discuss certain things. More like pipe dreams actually. Nothing set in stone. Like our own little "fairy tale". I came to believe he really did love me and was happy with me. I believed he wanted to be with "me".
He came by one Sunday afternoon. That was a very nice, special visit. He stayed for hours that day. After all this time, I senced he was sincere, when he told me how much he loved me and wanted me. After we made love, I really believed he finally felt the same way I felt for him and was honest about it! I wanted to cry so much, but didn't. I always knew how he felt, but he never, ever, expressed it the way he did that day!!!
I really wish this story would turn into a happy ending. Only god knows how much I wish for this. But unfortunatly, for me, things don't work out that way in relationships.
After that Sunday, I haven't really heard or seen much of him. It's been a few weeks now.
Since he doesn't talk to me much, I don't know "why" he's being so distant toward me. Naturally, I ask myself "what did I do wrong"? But I haven't done anything wrong. I believe I've done everything right and then some. Trying to understand his distance and absence is hard. Yeah, I have and will spend some time with knotts in my stomach and tears in my eyes. But overall, I can't change his actions. All I can do is change "my" situation. And if that's wht I have to do with knotts and tears, that's what I'll do.
Yes, I still love him. No regrets on that. I still love him more than I've ever loved anyone. But thinking it's ok to treat me this way is not an excuse to be dismissed.
Who knows, maybe he got scared, maybe he lied to me this whole time, maybe he's working things out with his girlfriend (after all, she does have his baby), or maybe he just can't face me to tell me he's changed his mind about me? I don't know.
I do have my thoughts. And I do have my doughts about him. Like most people, he can be kinda lame at times.
He is, after all, human.
Will we be able to survive all this too? I guess that's up to him. But like I've always said "no matter what happens between the both of us, our friendship I will always keep".
And after all this....I now know what he meant by saying "I don't want to hurt you".

To be life goes on.

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