A semi-Socratic note to professional screenwriters and such:
Script my ass #format
Main Cast
The Wanted Criminal
The Main Thief
The Bad Girl
Victor
The Wanted Criminal pulls off a ballsy maneuver getting hold of a highly valuable artifact (act I, if necessary; otherwise – intro), and he is now transporting it to his desired destination aboard a large international flight. He did a great job hiding from authorities (both himself and the object), so nobody else on the plane should know who he is, or that he is carrying a peculiar equivalent of three hundred million dollars (more than the cost of the plane). That is: nobody else but him, and a group of world-class thieves sitting in business class.
Unlike The Wanted Criminal, The Main Thief is not 100% sure. He calculates that at least two fellow business-class travelers and another man flying coach could be pros on a mission, hoping the mission is not them. What complicates the situation is The Bad Girl, his highly volatile female counterpart he must collaborate with despite his best judgement: not only is she The Wanted Criminal’s ex-sex-wife, but she also happens to match The Main Thief’s idea of an ideal woman, striking him as stunning at all times. Fortunately for him, The Bad Girl has no clue about this thinking she is walking a thin line beyond which her life could end: abruptly and violently, and not even from The Main Thief’s or her ex-sex-husband hands.
Earlier today, an unfortunate incident occurred. The last member of their trio, Victor, who is responsible for any muscle work including flying the plane, failed to pick up on a subtle cue dropped by The Main Thief which put them in immediate jeopardy (II act). When they cleared out of the danger (which was also the last moment of privacy they shared before the main part of their operation kicked off), The Main Thief talked to Victor in a very unusual tone, adopting the role of a father reprimanding a child for something he should have already known yet despite Victor being considerably older.
The Main Thief turns out to be right about all three potential followers (the one from coach transpires in IV when everyone forgets), but, in addition to a wide range of problems, it gives him an accidental moment of privacy with The Bad Girl. The moment is truly as safe as it can get on a plane like this and raises no suspicions whatsoever: The Main Thief could have ended up in the exact same situation with any passenger flying business class, innocent or not. Having quickly made sure, he proceeds (III):
“We have very little time, so I’ll be brief. After you watched me speak to Victor the way I did you could interpret my behavior as a flip-out indicative of a bad state of mind. In reality, it was the opposite. Victor is like a big baby interested in computers: you have to carefully balance emotions with logic for him, emphasizing the former with the latter. In fact, you could have noticed that my performance was slightly forced: I was like a bad English actor in a bad American movie with a stunning heroine-villain, except with the Russian accent. This is because, one, I needed to put Victor in the right state of mind quickly; and two, for reasons that are natural to a man but will take too long to explain, this was both the best and the quickest way to do it.”
“Wow.” The Bad Girl listens into the silence. “Is that all?”
“No. Now that you’ve heard it, you could be thinking that I’m deceiving you. That, by making you agree with each individual part of a statement, I make you agree with the entire statement even though, as a whole, it could still be doubted.”
“I wasn’t. But now that you put it this way, I am. Also, what is the whole statement here?”
“Trust, of course. It’s like virginity: gets lost only once. Oblivion could help, but who would voluntarily choose that?” There is noise indicating they are back in trouble. “The bottom line is: you should trust me, but you should never betray my trust. Только дураки гоняются за теми, кто их обидел, по всему свету – умные наказывают обидчиков еще до того, как те успевают улизнуть.”[1]
She pretends to agree and they return to the main action.
After the usual complications and moments of uncertainty and mortal danger, the operation turns out to be a major success: the pros eliminate each other with Victor’s help (II only), nobody on Earth knows where the plane is anymore (III), and the passengers are unloaded in a perfectly safe and sustainable, albeit remote, location. Revealing to the rest of the team that he intended to keep the plane as part of the prize pool, Victor pulls a harsh one on the passengers, prohibiting them from taking anything with them before leaving. As The Main Thief him out on this, he replies:
“The smart, the wise, and the clever already have everything they need on them; and those who are none of these will know better the next time.”
The Main Thief makes The Wanted Criminal admit that the two pros were after him, and that he did not see The Main Thief coming either. The Wanted Criminal points out that The Bad Girl saved the The Main Thief’s life. Victor reminds them that nobody else can fly the plane, and that he also, albeit indirectly, enabled The Bad Girl to save The Main Thief. The Main Thief thinks it’s fair for The Wanted Criminal to keep one hundred million and give the rest to his team.
After taking care of the third pro, James Bond himself who never left the plane and hit them where they least expected it (IV, potential response to a James Bond lawsuit: “They fucked him up because they united, this is how reality works, bitch!”), and some heated discussion, the group reaches an agreement (V). The Wanted Criminal reunites with the Bad Girl and they skydive off the plane in a convenient location. The Main Thief intends to do the same later, but as he gets ready to jump, Victor stops him and tells him, in Russian, that he was going to kill The Main Thief after he talked to him the way he did.
“I told you what you needed to hear,” The Main Thief replies in Russian as well. “And what happened then?” Victor vacillates and remains silent. “You did exactly what was needed, even though it wasn’t easy at all.” Another pause. “And you made yourself a lot of money because, selling the plane with all the luggage you kept, you can get a lot more than a hundred million for it.” Another pause. “Now, Victor, let me ask you something. How does it feel, to make over one hundred million dollars for having done everything right?”
Victor is stern and silent at first, then he admits that it feels good.
“Pleasure doing business with you, too,” The Main Thief says before saluting and jumping off the plane. The smiling Victor returns to the cockpit. The last shot is that of a beautiful plane flying into the sunset.
The End
by Danil Rudoy
1. “Only fools are chasing those who wronged them all over the world: the wise punish the wrongdoers before they have time to get out of sight.”